Screwing with the phone guys

This is from T. Hunt's blog (under the goblin comic). It's freaking hilarious.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

I Won A Trip To Cancun! (Not Really)

A couple of weeks (or so) ago, my phone rang. I picked it up to hear a recording of a very excited man congratulating me for winning a trip to Cancun! All I had to do was push 1 to claim my prize.

Now, of course I knew that this was a telemarketing deal and by pushing 1, I was inviting a salesperson to try their best to ram a pricey vacation package down my throat then reach up my ass and pull out a commission.

I had some fun with that guy by pretending to be a complete moron who was jumping up and down, convinced that I was going to Cancun for free. I made it as difficult as possible for the salesman to break the soul-shattering news to my dumb persona by telling him how I'd never won anything in my life and that this was "the best thing that has ever happened to me". When the salesman explained that I hadn't actually won anything, but their promotional deal was "so great it was almost like winning", I made sure to not understand what he meant and prolong the awkwardness for as long as possible.

"Well yeah, but I don't need that promotion though right? Because I won a trip to Cancun!"

"Well Sir, right now we're offering..."

"Are you calling from Cancun? Are you there now? Did you win a contest too?!"

"Well, we're offering to treat you like royalty for a week for one low price and..."

"I've been so sad lately and this just changes my life! I'm literally doing the Snoopy dance right now!" I wasn't.

In the interest of believability, I eventually began to show signs of comprehension caked in bitter disappointment. Although the salesman seemed to believe my reactions were true, he really didn't seem to give a crap that he'd stepped on my smiling face and crushed what I'd claimed to be the greatest moment in my life.

"So... so I didn't win anything?"

"Well, our promotion is so good, it's like winning." He kept saying that. I'm pretty sure it was written on a piece of paper that was stuck to his cubicle wall with a hunting knife stabbed through it.

"So I... I lose?"

"No Sir, we're ready to offer you $2,500 off of our amazing package right now. It's a great deal and available for a very limited time."

"Well that actually does sound like a great deal. Would I be able to purchase the package from you over the phone with my credit card?"

"Yes Sir, I can do that for you, no problem."

"Would I be able to pay the full amount right away or do I have to pay in payments?"

"Oh no, a full payment is very easy to do. I can arrange that for you right away if you like."

"Oh that's great because I really want to buy this trip. You've definitely made a sale. Well... actually it's like you've made a sale, but it's really just me telling you to fuck off."

That's where I ended the call. Usually after I've had my fun with telemarketers (remember, it's not a prank call if they call you) I tell them to put me in the 'do not call' list. Apparently, by law, they have to do this. However, I forgot to tell Mr. Cancun to put me on such a list which led to...

THUNT VS CANCUN PART II

Today I got another call from that happy recording, telling me that I'd won a trip to Cancun! ... Again!

I sighed and pressed 1 to claim my prize. Soon I was talking to a lovely lady who asked how I was and began telling me about their amazing vacation deal.

"I won a trip to Cancun!" I interrupted with excitement.

"Actually no, I'm offering you a promotional deal worth $2,500..."

"Can I just have the cash?"

"What? No, it doesn't work that way. For a limited time, you can..."

"This is the second time I won! I mean Jesus Christ, what are the odds, right?"

"You didn't actually win anything." This lady was a bit more truthful about the whole deal.

"I disagree, I won a trip to Cancun. That's what the recording told me. Twice. So can I have both of my prizes converted to cash on one check or do I need to get two separate checks?"

At this point the lady seemed to have decided to play this call by the book. Maybe she thought she was being tested with a weird training call or something, but she refused to do anything other than read from her sales pitches that were no doubt tucked into the three-ring binder in front of her (by the way, I'll bet $50 that there are a minimum of two hearts doodled somewhere on that binder). No matter how bizarre I got, she kept reading her pitches word for word. Sometimes talking right over me. Eventually I got bored and...

"Look, I'll be honest with you. You're company called me up and tried to reel me in with a flimsy lie about winning a contest. It's pretty low." I waited for her response but was met with only silence until...

"The weather in Cancun has been beautiful and so this is a better time than ever to..."

"Are seriously still trying to sell me?"

"Look, this is my job."

"Well your job is lying to people, disappointing them, then using that to squeeze a sale out of them."

Silence.

"Sir, since you're still on the line I can only assume that you are interested in one of our vacation packages. Perhaps I can tell you about..."

At this point something glorious dawned on me and I swear to GOD that I actually heard angels singing above me as the sun suddenly shone a bit brighter through my window. I had reached telemarketing Nirvana.

"Wait a second," I said "you... you're not allowed to hang up on me are you."

Silence.

"You can save $2,500 on..."

"You can't hang up on me! You have to hard sell me until you either make a sale or I hang up!"

Silence.

"Sir, since you're still on the line I can only assume that you are interested in one of our..."

"BAHAHAHAHA! This is awesome! What should I tell you about? Want me to describe my big toe to you? Because I may be interested in hearing about your Cancun package if you learn all about my big toe. You better not hang up on me because this vacation dealy is starting to sound pretty sweet."

Silence.

"...interested in one of our vacation packages. Perhaps I can tell you about our amazing..."

"Have you ever wondered what would happen if you swished with liquid paper? I always wondered if it'd make a thin, white, rubbery cast of the inside of my mouth."

"...perhaps I can tell you about our amazing package deal which includes..."


This sort of back and forth went on for over ten minutes until she eventually broke her company's rule and hung up the phone. I will remember this telemarketing call as my Magnum Opus of received telemarketing calls. Also, I have a weird urge to plan a trip to Cancun.

As always, thanks for reading.

~Thunt

Valentine's day

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
~ Sigmund Freud

'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'

'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'
~ James Holt McGavra

My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
Then we met.
~ Henny Youngman

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
~ Rodney Dangerfield

My wife and I always compromise; I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.

Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and brought jewelry.

Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand.

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."

Good morning Lemmings

I have astronomically new experiences everyday.
I've always considered myself a good sales man. I can sell Cd's as well as the next guy.
You talk to people for hours and they grudgingly part with $10 for a Cd.

I'm hiring in my store and a guy from the Kiosk in the mall walkway tells me I should hire the kid from the icecream store next door.
"He's an awesome saleman"
Me: "Why?"
"He sold the biggest size icecream when I didn't even want it."
Me: "Oh ya, how did he do that?"
"He asked me "Want the biggest size."

Finding out what people want is 5/6ths of marketing and is what most tools are missing.
People want whatever they're told they need to want.
It's not for nothing we put our hand on our chest and proclaim "We, the sheeple".

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere

I got a sweater for Christmas.
What I really wanted was a screamer or a moaner.

To everyone I used to say Hi to: I haven't died.
Last Nov. we moved to Canada (and had to set our watches back about 20 years).
Alot has happened since then, but my short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

I got a job working at a store in a mall in mid Dec. and by the first week of Jan. they made me manager. I found out "power corrupts and absolute power - is kinda neat. or something like that.

Being a manager of a large retail store is alot like being a home manager. You're the scheduler, finance guy, tool order guy, home mom,and home shepherd. Going witnessing you always ask for the all-powerful mysterious manager; but I've found I've been qualified for the job for years, which makes me wonder if the Holy Ghost Boogie IS really what it's all about.

The pay is never as good as it seems though, I guess taxation WITH representation isn't fun either.

Maria and my relationship has really changed. I haven't spoken to her for 6 weeks now.
I didn't want to interrupt her.
She found an addicting computer game that she thinks talks and plays. Zoo's are fun, they prove red meat isn't bad for you. Now green fuzzy meat...

Christmas with Art and Priya was awesome and Canadian beer is UNBEATABLE!!!!

I'll try to get on and say hi more often. Or just blog about wow and books.




Remember the original point and click interface was the Smith and Wesson.

The neighbor's wife

Orson Scott Card once said: "I sat in a conversation with a screenwriting professor discussing English majors screenplays. He told me 'They come to class with long plays full of pretty language with lots of feelings and symbols in which nothing happens. They need to understand that films require stories.
'That other stuff is for poems'"

I disagree.
A good story is like an old shoe. It feels nice to listen to it now and then and kick it around.
Poems should be the same. Remember that feeling you got when you first heard "Richard Cory"?
This one did the same to me.
Please read it twice

The neighbor's wife
-by Susan Palwick

It sprouts wings every few weeks
but as yet has flown no further
then the woodpile in the yard
where we found it six months ago.

Colin Wilcox thought it was his wife
returned as a angel. It still wore
its headset then, lying trapped
in a crushed metal basket; Colin freed it,

muttering something about harps and haloes,
and the rest of us stayed quiet. Colin carried it
into the house and for three weeks nursed it
in his bed, on the side unwarmed since Marella,

the old Marella, had her heart attack.
When it could walk on six legs Colin taught
it to fry bacon, weed the garden, milk
the goats, which cower at its touch.

"Reminding her what she forgot in Heaven,"
he tells us, but she has not remembered speech,
this new Marella who is purple and croaks
like bullfrogs on the hottest summer nights,

who surely came from somewhere, if not God.
Lately it uses those stubby wings to carry
the heaviest logs from the woodpile. For Colin's sake
no one has tried to frighten it away.




That feeling of self-induced insanity. Of forbearance and long-suffering beyond explanation, with the only justification: habitation in proximity.
Of the simple and true fact: Beyond the five senses THERE IS ALWAYS SOMETHING UNDERNEATH!
If I never write anything that makes you feel fuzzy, I should walk on unconcerned. If I never write anything that makes you stop and think, I am not a writer, but a verbal masseuse.

Unsung Hardass

The usual examples of all things exemplary in the Bible tend to follow the same oft repeated tune. But at devotions yesterday a thought struck me (they're rare enough, I know).

In popular media, and the homage we pay to Hollywood, there has developed a class of man who doesn't always win against his enemy, doesn't beat up everyone he rumbles with, not a superhero in power, but doesn't let it stop him. I'm thinking of everything from the classic Rocky (1) to Die Hard (all of them). Hollywood has us idolizing guys who don't let things like broken bones and 40% blood loss stop us from going the distance.

Jesus and Daniel's 3 buddies were like that too.
Alot is always lost in translation.

Jesus said: "That thou doest, do quickly." (Jn 13: 27)
Now-a-days imagine a different scenario, Jesus knew Judas was running off to kill him.

Imagine a long wooden stage with a post and a noose attached to it; a small crowd has gathered, and the sun is starting to make people sweat.
Jesus walks up and says: "Can we get on with it, I don't have all day."

Shad, Meesh, and To-bed-you-go were standing in front of the MOST painful way to die then as well as now. They weren't the important tools Daniel was, and a whole lot of pain was definitely on the menu.
They knew that God had pulled off a big one for Daniel before and it was possibly that He could save them, but, they weren't positive.

They said: "O Nebuchadnezzar, we are not careful to answer thee in this matter.
Our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of thine hand. But if not, be it known that we will not serve thy gods, nor worship the golden image which thou hast set up."

Imagine a well lit windowless room. In it there's a table with weird looking knives and syringes filled with weird colors, winches, posts, and hooks coming out of the walls and ceiling. A generator hums loudly in the corner and frail man with a accent and glasses is waiting with no emotion on his face.

Someone tells 3 prisoners: "You don't even have to give up your own religion. Just say this other god is a supreme god as well, and we'll let you go. If you can't say it now, there won't be a chance to say it later. We'll try to see how long you can last"
"I believe the record so far is 28 hours"

The prisoners say: "My God is pretty big. I can't just push him away - He takes up too much space. Your god is cuddly and soft. He needs somewhere cushy and warm - I know... why don't you SHOVE HIM UP YOUR..."

- you get the point. Those men, they were manly men!

Text Post

Stuff I bet you didn't know

*Richard Gere's middle name is Tiffany. (not gerbil)

*The bones from penises of badgers were used by Victorian gentlemen as tie clips. Every primate except man has a penis bone known as the baculum.

*In the Victorian era, people who could not afford chimney sweeps would drop a goose down the chimney or make it fly up through the chimney to clean it instead.

*Peter O'Toole once went to see a play, having forgotten that he was supposed to be in it.

*The country with the highest suicide rate is Lithuania. It has 52 suicides per 100,000, which is more than 13 times higher than the United States and 6½ times higher than Britain.

*The Earth has two moons. Cruithne, discovered in 1997, is a 3-mile (4.8 km) asteroid sometimes described as Earth's second moon. Cruithne orbits the Earth every 770 years. The name "Cruithne" has a Celtic derivation.

*Blue Whales have small throats and can swallow nothing larger than a grapefruit. Their diet consists of eating 3 tonnes of krill every day. Their penis is 16 feet (4.9 m) long and their testicles contain 7 gallons each, but they only weigh 22 lbs, which in equivalent terms, would make human's testicles weigh the same as a broad bean.

Lok'tar Ogar

Went to a comic convention.

I was out of place.

When 15 thousand people in Mexico all dress original and abstract- they all end up dressing the same. Manga and anime were the general theme, but in the crowd there was a tall bald white guy. His two handed sword was definitely NOT a katana, his hair style was not spikey and covering 1 eye.
He had people asking to take pics with him every 5 mins, and his own personal groupies.

They had a fight arena. Because we fought so well we drew a crowd, the crowd wanted to play (lined up double quick), so everytime the crowd died down we fought for free again.

Hint: fighting like they do in anime movies DOES NOT work in real life!


I'm such a geek.

Jesus is coming - quick everyone look busy.

Someone asked me what I'd do 5 mins b4 I died; I said "Be alive".

If you've seen the Mac/ PC ads you'll get this.

White obese suburban wigger (does it get sadder?)

Coolest ink ever

Finchador

People always do the same generic questions when they ask interviews. I went to the Hanna Montana interview and asked the same ones she did. No subtle sexual innuendos, no humor... straight out mall rat!!!
...and you thought inner city hoodlums would never get air space on my blog


Here's Sam Finch:


What’s the last book in the world you’d ever read? Big Fart! by Hugh Jass

In your dream fridge, what would fill the top shelf? Chinese food!!

Who has the best looking tongue in the world? Maria

How many hats do you own, and which one is your favorite? Two and Ma Pimp hat.

What’s your worst physical quality and how does it affect the way girls see you? My weak chin.

What super power would help you get to be the richest man? Wisdom to do anything.

What color umbrella would you like? Red.

How often do you eat breakfast? All the time

Fail inc

My all time favorite

Gotta love the Japanese grasp of engrish

Clinton had the Suburban, Bush had the Lincoln, and of course Obama has a Caddy

The San Diego / Tijuana line

In the popes plane